El jubilado infernal
Podría ser tu abuelo… ¡o tu padre! El jubilado infernal sale de caza con bastón y pantuflas. Aspira la brisa matutina buscando un rastro de alquitrán fresco, aguza el oído intentando localizar el ronroneo de una hormigonera… Y cuando da con su presa… ¡ataca!
No me mires, no me mires, nomenomenome mires
El pensionista diabólico actúa sólo o en manada. Los grupos de riesgo en este caso son, sobre todo, albañiles y conductores inexpertos. El jubilado se engancha a la primera valla amarilla que encuentra y MIRA. Su paciencia es inagotable: mirará, mirará y seguirá mirando, con un gesto cercano al desdén que puede transformar, en décimas de segundo si acaso alguien le pregunta qué leches está mirando, en desarmante inocencia septuagenaria. Tú, entre tanto, te sientes observado, comienzas a perder el control y cometes pequeños errores: dejas la radial encendida, sepultas vivos a tus compañeros en cemento fresco… Deslices que en otras circunstancias no tendrían mayor peso pero que la mirada inmisericorde del jubilado convierte en crímenes contra la humanidad.
Érase una vez la muerte
No hay más explicación para este comportamiento que la propia naturaleza humana y el desarrollo normal del individuo en sociedad. Así somos: de niños apedreamos en el patio al que lleva gafas, de jovencitos quemamos indigentes en cajeros y cabinas de teléfonos, cuando nos hacemos adultos responsables obedecemos diligentemente a la autoridad y abrimos todas las manivelas de cámara de gas que haga falta, y al llegar la jubilación, nos aferramos a una valla amarilla para lanzar mal de ojo a los que siguen currando. Comparado con las distracciones propias del resto de edades, el pasatiempo del jubilado infernal no parece tan terrible…
Oh, inconsciente juventud…
Aun así… cuando te vigila y cometes el primer error, ya estás perdido. Porque da paso a la segunda fase del ataque: los comentarios. Supongamos que estabas intentando aparcar en una cuesta y, enervado por la mirada del pensionista, que está quieto en la esquina y no se va a mover de allí hasta que termines, has reventado a la vecina contra un contenedor de basura. Tampoco es para tanto, ¿no? Pasa todos los días, ¿verdad? Ah, pero el jubilado infernal huele tu nerviosismo y se lanza a comentar la jugada con el primero que pasa: “Si es que tiene que pisar más cuando suelta el embrague”, “Yo no me explico cómo se lía tanto la juventud, con estos coches de hoy en día que lo hacen todo solos”…
El olor de aluminio al amanecer
El destino de la víctima de un jubilado infernal es triste: casa de reposo en el mejor de los casos, manicomio, y a menudo suicidio, sea arrojándose desde la octava planta de un edificio en construcción, o aspirando con una manguera los gases del tubo de escape del coche, si acaso aún queda tubo de escape después de embestir a la vecina. Poco se puede hacer para evitarlo. Hay quien ha intentando despistarles pintando las típicas vallas amarillas de obra de otro color, pero no ha funcionado: el polvo en el aire, el ruido de las máquinas y el hecho de que se vea una obra al otro lado de la valla resta eficacia al camuflaje. Así el panorama, no podemos recomendar más que serenidad… y a ser posible, jubilación anticipada.
el de la primera foto da además consejos prácticos de como aplicarse la reestructurante en las patas de gallo.
¿A que viene meterse con los pensionistas?
por sionistas
Bueno, y entonces, ¿a qué me puedo dedicar cuando me jubile?
Siempre puedes tomar la opción Paco Martínez Soria (véase foto más arriba).
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He waved to a unimpassioned tun beside us, and I returned his gesture with a nod. He filled a glass and slid it to me across the stained red wood of the bar in the vanguard continuing.
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He waved to a expressionless keg hard by us, and I returned his token with a nod. He filled a eyeglasses and slid it to me across the stained red wood of the bar first continuing.
“As a betting fellow, I’d be delighted to wager a adequate piece of silver you’re in Ebonscale Reach in search more than the wet one’s whistle and sights,” he said, eyes glancing from the sword sheathed on my with it to the bend slung across my back.
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