Por supuesto que es una conspiración. ¿Qué otra cosa si no, una casualidad de dimensiones cósmicas?
Desde la playa hasta el monte, desde el monte hasta la playa
No dejan un solo detalle al azar: estudian el plano de la ciudad la noche antes, o quizá esa misma mañana muy temprano. Tienen marcadas las aceras más estrechas, los puntos donde el tráfico es particularmente conflictivo. A cada escuadrón le es asignado un destino por el comandante en jefe (nadie conoce exactamente su identidad: hay quienes piensan que se trata de un chaval de 16 años que trabaja de reponedor en un Champion para pagarse las clases de taekwondo; otros creen que es la presidenta de la Asociación de Madres y Padres de Alumnos de un colegio de agustinos satánicos en el madrileño barrio de Salamanca).
Y así, cuando amanece, van tomando la ciudad en ataques cuidadosamente escalonados. Algunos escuadrones aprovechan los últimos tramos de la ruta del camión de la basura. Otros salen al mediodía, para sacar partido a las congestiones de hora punta. Acechan tras una esquina, o hacen como que llevan a sus hijos al colegio. En realidad, te esperan a ti.
La danza de la muerte
Entonces pasas tú, con la hora pegada al culo y la amenaza de un despido fulminante oscilando sobre tu cabeza cuál péndulo de la muerte. No lo sabes, pero ellos contaban contigo. Controlan tus entradas y salidas, tienen pinchado tu teléfono, la vecina del 2º les remite informes regulares sobre tus hábitos sexuales, y su perrito salchicha es un miembro condecorado del ejército de las sombras.
Tu trayectoria está prevista dentro de la coreografía envolvente que han diseñado al detalle. Caminas a toda prisa, y ves a lo lejos la muralla de espaldas bamboleantes. Pueden ser dos o tres amas de casa charlando sobre el precio del arsénico, una pareja de chavales de instituto enseñándose en sus respectivos móviles las fotos más molonas del último gatito amoroso que han despellejado… es igual. Van a lo suyo (¡hacen como que van a lo suyo! En realidad van a por ti, están saboreando el momento como el entrenador de fútbol que masca un esputo jugoso antes de regalárselo al mundo) y no te dejarán paso cuando los alcances. Puedes carraspear, pedir educadamente que se aparten, incluso pellizcarles las nalgas. Nada. No tienes más opción que adelantar, bajando a la calzada.
Y eso haces, ajeno al camión de mudanzas que viene por detrás.
Un par de horas después, alguien silba mientras limpia a manguerazos los restos de tu sesera que han quedado licuados sobre el asfalto caliente. La vida sigue y todo es hermoso. El sol brilla, las amas de casa compran arsénico de oferta y los chavales de instituto despellejan gatitos. Laralalalá.
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