Puedes intentar mimetizar el color de la pared con el blanco de tu cara. Puedes inventar todas las excusas baratas que quepan en una vida de diligente funcionariado. Y puedes pedir auxilio, a gritos si así lo estimas oportuno. Será peor. Porque mientras la cazadora de sosos te lleva arrastrando por el pelo hacia la pista de baile, indiferente a tus súplicas, o probablemente gozando con ellas, deleitándose, nutriéndose de tu angustia, la gente que te conoce, las personas que te aprecian y te quieren, estarán partiéndose en dos de la risa.
Es una forma como cualquier otra de expresar empatía hacia tu sufrimiento.
Redentoras de discoteca
Cuando cae la noche, las cazadoras de sosos se dispersan por la ciudad. O tal vez sea que el sol se retira, despavorido, cuando ellas se echan a la calle porque, ¿qué es el sol mismo si no un soso descomunal, todo el día en el cielo, a piñón fijo, dando la brasa?
Sea como fuere, cuando el sol se ausenta ellas distribuyen sus efectivos por todos los locales de la ciudad donde pueda haber algo parecido a una fiesta: bares, discotecas, casas particulares… Y te buscan a ti, a ti personalmente, pedazo de soso terminal, peinan la noche hasta dar contigo y arrancarte el ritmo irreprimible que te ocultas a ti mismo en el tuétano. No les cuentes cuentos: no les vengas con que no te gusta bailar, que te operaron del menisco el jueves pasado, que esa canción que suena es una versión tecno-rumba de un clásico de la Creedence. ¡Baila o muere! Y si bailas, muere igualmente.
El baile de la desesperación
Al girar, agarrado al casco del caballo de la valquiria, quizá tengas tiempo de dedicar una breve oda fúnebre a tu dignidad difunta, que se resistió con uñas y dientes la pobre. De hecho, se retorcía como el rabo de una lagartija, que tarda un tiempo en constatar que ya lo cortaron y que todo está perdido. Probablemente termines la noche cantando por Locomía abrazado a otros borrachos aún más impresentables que tú. Con un poco de suerte la cazadora de sosos aplaudirá, entre vómito y vómito, que por fin te hayas decidido a sacar a la superficie al tío saleroso que llevas dentro.
Sólo cuando a las 12 del día siguiente, con la resaca suspendida en triple salto mortal, recibas en tu móvil las fotos incriminatorias… tú bailando la conga, tú imitando a Raphael, tú ejecutando la marcha atrás deslizante de Michael Jackson … sólo entonces recordarás que las cuchillas de afeitar sirven para más de un cosa.
Joer con la cazadora de sosos, ojitos traviesos, boca acogedora, pedazo tia!
Como presidente de la Asociación de Sosos de España no puedo manifestar otra cosa que mi más profunda zozobra. Además, lo de la versión tecno-rumba de la Credence, ha supuesto un auténtico golpe bajo para todos.
Señor Presidente de la Asociación de Sosos: ¡asuma sus responsabilidades! ¡Los Sosos somos mayoría! ¡Unamos nuestras fuerzas ya acabemos de una vez con la tiranía del chunda-chundan y los bailes regionales! ¿Para cuándo un Día del Orgullo Soso?
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