¿Qué sería del botellón sin ellos? Dan color y categoría y son fuente inagotable de anécdotas. Son esos tipos indispensables sin los cuales uno prefiere quedarse en casa un sábado noche estudiando Derecho Telúrico. Son esos tipos insufribles que uno estrangularía si tuviese que aguantarlos siete días a la semana.
EL ENAMORADO MELANCÓLICO
Se va de botellón para dar la murga a la concurrencia con sus penas amorosas. Gime, se lamenta, se da de cabezazos contra la pared, intenta suicidarse bebiendo spray para la halitosis, se encadena a la valla del vertedero… Tal es la intensidad de la pasión por su amada que suele acabar la noche declarándose al primer cuarentón que sale a tirar la basura y se enfrasca en una sesión de sexo frenético.
EL ENNOVIADO
La envidia del grupo. Mientras el resto apura la madrugada esperando que una top model pase casualmente por la plaza del pueblo y se enamore de ellos como una loca, el ennoviado hace una visita simbólica de un par de horas, se toma un par de birras con su despampanante pareja siempre aferrada al brazo, y se marcha con ella a casa para masturbarse con las fotos de rinocerontes del National Geographic en tanto la moza ronca.
EL ASQUEROSETE
Siempre está inventando números escatológicos para hacer reír a sus amigos. Vomitar por la nariz, orinar en los minis de cerveza, echarse un cubo de ácido sulfúrico en la cabeza para que la carne se le desprenda de los huesos cual miasma burbujeante, dejarse devorar por un ente viscoso de procedencia extraterrestre… Todo vale para el asquerosete mientras consiga una carcajada.
EL FILOSOFASTRO FARFOLLAS
Peor aún que el enamorado melancólico. La injusticia existencial le hace sufrir, y por eso llora. Llora mientras se empina un litro, pues se sabe presa del nihilismo y la apatía juvenil. Llora escuchando las chanzas y risas de sus amigos, pues los sabe inconscientes y vacuos, abocados a una vida frustrante. Llora mientras le practican una felación, pues duda si se la hacen por amor o por probar a qué sabe. Oh el dolor, oh el sufrimiento…
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