Titulares y suplentes

picadora.jpg¡Ah, los titulares! Columnas vertebrales de las noticias, cartas de presentación de la actualidad candente, esencia de la información, paradigmas de  síntesis, fuerza expresiva y claridad … O así tendrían que ser. Porque hay titulares que más parecen suplentes. Si no me creen, echen un vistazo.

01.jpgAutoayuda y superación

Si usted es un espíritu atormentado, si tiene tendencias suicidas o es presa de impulsos violentos que desea refrenar, no desespere. En casa de Sintrom, llamado por sus seguidores “el anticoagulante”, encontrará la paz que ningún centro de salud puede brindarle. Acuda a la morada de Sintrom y conseguirá controlarse. Olvídese de las agotadoras visitas al hospital. El maestro Sintrom lo recibirá en su domicilio y le ayudará a retomar las riendas de su vida desbocada…
¿Cómo? ¡Ah!, ¿No era eso lo que quería decir, señor redactor? ¿Entonces yo comprendí mal, o usted no se ha expresado con claridad? Tal vez si el título fuera “El autocontrol del anticoagulante Sintrom es más eficaz en casa que en el hospital”, o “Es más eficaz controlar los efectos del anticoagulante Sintrom en casa que en el hospital”, no nos confundiríamos tanto, ¿verdad? Sin duda usted podría encontrar más y mejores posibilidades. Bastaría con pensar un poquitín…

FUENTE: El País, 7 de marzo de 2006

02.jpg

Mars Attack

Lo que dice el señor Hubbard no es mentira, pero confunde. Porque si no hay vida en Marte, cuando vaya alguien allí seguramente la habrá: astronautas, científicos, exploradores… Solo que no será la vida originaria del planeta rojo, ¿no?

FUENTE: El País, 30 de enero de 2006

 

03.jpgPosesión demoníaca

Estos terroristas, cuando se trata de armas, no se andan con pequeñeces: las poseen a rabiar. De ello se ha percatado el autor de esta noticia, quien enfatiza el concepto en negrita y en estilo normal para que no nos quepan dudas. Un caso de posesión posesión. 

FUENTE: La Opinión de Granada, 27 de marzo de 2006

 

04.jpgBuenos muchachos

Hablando de terroristas, no todos son tan malvados. Éstos, por ejemplo, se preocuparon por volar una discoteca donde sólo había gente sana. Los heridos no habían ido a bailar esa noche y por lo tanto su situación, ya grave de por sí, no se vio empeorada.
¿Una idea para evitar la ambigüedad? “ETA hizo estallar una furgoneta bomba en una discoteca.  No hubo heridos”. ¿Muy complicado?

FUENTE: Ideal de Granada, versión digital, 14 de febrero de 2006

 

05.jpgStar Trek

Último momento: seres verdes de otro planeta han establecido su cuartel general en la localidad granadina de Atarfe. De allí parten con sus naves espaciales en urgentes misiones para salvar a la humanidad. Recientemente, por ejemplo, estos verdes han transportado en una de sus naves materiales tóxicos producidos por terrícolas inescrupulosos. Antes de arrojar los venenos al hiperespacio han querido que los controlara la Fiscalía, para que ésta certificara la naturaleza nociva de la carga y las buenas intenciones de los hermanos alienígenas.
Ahora bien: si leyéramos que “La formación o la agrupación Los Verdes  llevará a la Fiscalía los vertidos tóxicos de una nave de Atarfe”, la noticia sería otra.  Qué sutil es la frontera entre fantasía y realidad.

FUENTE: 20 minutos, Granada, 9 de marzo de 2006

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142 Responses

  1. lector irreverendo dice:

    Inés:
    te mando otro titular:

    ” Un hombre dispara contra su ex-mujer, contra un cliente de un bar, y luego se suicida en la transtienda ”

    mi pregunta es:

    ¿ se puede disparar a favor de alguien ?

  2. Inés dice:

    Amigo lector:
    Se puede disparar a favor de alguien, siempre y cuando se haga en la traNstienda. En la trastienda, en cambio, sólo sería posible dispararle A alguien.
    Gracias por tu ojo alerta y tu ingenioso comentario.

  3. El de los marcianos es impagable. ¡Enhorabuena por la sección!

  4. lector irreverendo dice:

    sra. doña Ines:
    le envío otro titular, esta vez, en euskera:

    ” alkanzamelaraqueta ke yo agarrote las pelotaris ”

    podría comentarmelo ?

  5. Lela dice:

    ¿agarrote de agarrotar? suele ocurrir…no es malo…

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