Estimado/a señor/a:
No se alarme: esto no es spam, tampoco una estafa. Estoy empleando el único medio confidencial disponible para contactar con usted.
Siempre y cuando usted sea usted, claro.
Si es usted robot espía o usuario malicioso, olvídese de encontrar PINs y números de tarjeta de crédito en este mensaje: eso es lo que voy buscando también yo, ¡nos ha jodido!
Pero a lo que íbamos. Supongamos que usted es usted. A veces ocurre.
Como decía, le he seleccionado a usted en particular, de entre millones de ciudadanos, para hacerle una propuesta de negocios de la mayor importancia. Se trata de una labor que sólo puede llevar a buen puerto una única persona y, después de mis pesquisas, sé a ciencia cierta que es usted y nadie más que usted quien está capacitado/a para ello: trabajador/a, culto/a, cosmopolita/o, etc.
Puesto que yo conozco el nombre de usted, es justo que le diga el mío. Me llamo Dr. Est’ampi’to Toc-omo’cho, y soy el subcoordinador vicegerente de la sección de finanzas financieras del Banco Metafórico de Nigeria.
Las circunstancias del cambio amortizado por la cotización bursátil de las subcontratas me han llevado a gestionar la fortuna multibillonaria legada a un orfanato de niños con paperas por un filántropo tratante de blancas. Como usted bien sabe, dada su notoria condición de ciudadano/a europeo/a informado/a, el índice de la tasa arancelaria es a día de hoy sumamente inelástico, y por eso le rogamos su discreta colaboración: necesitamos que se preste a recibir la fortuna en su cuenta.
Para ello, basta con que nos remita su número de cuenta corriente, una fotocopia de su documento de identidad, otra copia de su firma a gran tamaño y una muestra de ADN como para poder cultivar un clon de usted si las autoridades bancarias se empeñasen en guardar las formas.
Si usted colabora con nosotros custodiando esta obscena cantidad de dinero, tan desproporcionada que nadie lo notaría si se le ocurriera sisar veinte o treinta kilos para comprarse una bolsa de pipas, demostraría que es muy buena persona preocupándose por los niños con paperas del tercer mundo y además le regalaríamos varios arcones de viagra y le estiraríamos el pene con nuestro nuevo método exclusivo y revolucionario.
Piénselo.
Quedo a la espera de sus noticias, mientras observo una migala peluda que se ha subido a mi mesa. Tendré que aplastarla con este fajo de billetes de cien dólares.
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