Sermón ahumado: ¡Menos humos!

Irreverendos todos:

Nos dicen que el tabaco mata, y que por eso está condenado a muerte. Ahora se le aplica una pena de muerte chiquitita, de andar por casa: una pena para matar a la mata que mata. El tabaco es, desde enero, una mata asesina y perversa: al parecer, se ha cultivado espontáneamente durante siglos sin que nadie lo supiera, se ha subvencionado a sí misma sin conocimiento de los Ministros del ramo, se ha reunido alevosamente con sustancias aditivas y alquitranes y porquerías varias para hacerse un lío, se ha puesto en boca de todo el mundo, y se ha autofijado tasas e impuestos varios para alimentar desinteresadamente Estados y Haciendas y financiar su propia autodestrucción. Y es que el tabaco, por lo que se ve, además de malo, asesino y perverso, es tonto.

Y que conste que a los Irreverendos lo de librarnos del humo nos parece bien. Para muchos será un alivio no tener que llevar pegado en la ropa ese pestazo a muerte lenta que otros han elegido para sí mismos. Pero hay más humos. Han empezado por matar este humo que cada uno se lleva puesto a casa o a la oficina, un humo privado que se mete en el ojo ajeno y se cuela en las listas de espera de los quirófanos. Pero habría que seguir prohibiendo muchos otros humos para hacer feliz a la gente a costa de hacer infelices a los demás: leyes antihumo de botafumeiro e incienso, de cañones y aviones de combate, de conductores cabreados, de fritanga de comida adulterada, leyes antihumo, en definitiva, a gusto de cada cual. Todo el mundo debería tener una ley antihumo hecha a su medida, una ley para protegerse del resto del mundo, y si puede ser, hasta de sí mismo.

El problema del tabaco no es que mate, sino que lo haga lentamente y dejando los hospitales llenos de viejos con cara de ceniza. El tabaco está pasado de moda en las grandes civilizaciones, porque a las grandes civilizaciones les gusta que la gente se muera de otra manera, rápidamente, de una vez y dando espectáculo.

En definitiva: un futuro sin tabaco no hará desaparecer el humo. Simplemente, se lo llevará a otra parte.

Arcipreste Bonete, de la Hermandad Irreverenda de Bollullos de Alabama

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