o de cómo mostrarse optimista ante el Apocalipsis
“¡Por fin podré comerme una ración de langostinos!”, es la frase más escuchada en los bares de toda la comarca desde que se hizo pública la noticia del fin de la nuestros días. Los proveedores de marisco y jamón de pata negra no dan abasto para satisfacer la demanda anticipada de millones de consumidores que, calculada y arteramente, se preparan para chupar la última cabeza de langostino justo un minuto antes del fin del mundo, haciendo coincidir sus últimos segundos de existencia con la frase “camarero, ¿qué se debe?”. El guión ya está escrito: el camarero sabe que nunca cobrará esa ración de langostinos, que justo tras esas palabras fatídicas el mundo dará el petardazo anunciado y que sus clientes se irán para siempre sin pagar, jodidos pero contentos. ¡Qué hermoso gesto de renuncia y entrega, el de los camareros!
Y es que el fin del mundo es una gran noticia, sobre todo para los pobres, cuyo mundo ya se había acabado antes de nacer, y ahora de repente se encuentran con que le regalan otro. Ahora todos podremos jugar sin escrúpulos a ser ricos, o asesinos, o ladrones de bancos, o ninfómanos. También podremos jugar a ser sinceros, es decir, odiosos, molestos, impertinentes y maleducados. El fin del mundo sacará a flote lo mejor de todos nosotros y, lo que es más divertido, también lo peor. La diversión está garantizada: a unos les dará por pasearse desnudos por el parque; a otros, por arrojarse desde ventanas y balcones, o por recitar poemas de El Fari, o por jugar a las chapas en mitad de la M30, o por cumplir sus íntimos deseos y, por ejemplo, fornicar vestidos de lagarterena. Lo insólito, lo nunca visto, lo impredecible, pasará a formar parte de nuestros últimos días.
De todos modos, no vaticinemos grandes excesos ni bacanales generalizadas. Nos conformamos con bien poco, y cualquier pequeña alegría es suficiente para alegrarnos la cara el último día de todo. A muchos, les bastará saber que también es el último día para el vecino (el del cochazo recién comprado) o para el jefe de sección con complemento de productividad. Reconozcamos que abandonar el planeta es una putada, pero si lo abandona todo el mundo, al menos sabes que la china no te ha tocado a tí solo. Y ya te vas tranquilo, de otra manera, sin remordimientos.
Lo que es seguro es que tras conocer la noticia del Apocalipsis a nadie le dará por venir a cobrar recibos atrasados, ni por venderte una enciclopedia a plazos, ni por llamarte por teléfono a la hora de la siesta para hacerte una encuesta. Sólo por eso vale la pena que se acabe el mundo, aunque sea por unos días.
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