(Agencia La Portera)
Un equipo multidisciplinar, integrado por arqueólogos, geólogos, antropólogos e incluso podólogos, ha desvelado el sorprendente resultado de sus investigaciones, mantenidas en secreto durante varios años hasta poder ver confirmadas sus arriesgadas hipótesis. Los científicos aseguran haber hallado los vestigios de una antiquísima y avanzada civilización en el lecho del Océano Atlántico, correspondiente, sin duda, a la mítica Atlántida, que desde que fuera glosada por Platón en sus escritos ha sido objeto de búsquedas y elucubraciones sin cuento. Hay que reescribir la Historia por completo, ha declarado Feliciano Troyano, director de las excavaciones submarinas. Tenemos que reconocer que no teníamos ni puta idea de cómo han ocurrido las cosas, añadió groseramente. Y lo malo no es eso: lo malo de verdad es cómo acabó aquella civilización; sin duda, se trató de un castigo divino, cuya naturaleza nos desvela que Dios tiene muy mala leche y un sentido del humor bastante vulgar, remató el científico, que a estas alturas de la película tenía a los periodistas de la rueda de prensa completamente boquiabiertos.
Según el equipo de científicos -auspiciado y mantenido gracias a un acuerdo alcanzado por las Universidades de Bollullos Par del Condado y de Padrón, el Observatorio Geofísico Permanente de Polopos, el Cabildo Insular de Lanzarote, la Fundación Platón-Museo Casa Natal y entidades privadas como Comercial Rebollo, Supermercados Terroba, Club Princesa y Disco-Pub Teruel/2-, en una fecha cercana a los 10.000 años a.C. floreció una cultura que alcanzó avances tecnológicos similares a los actuales: Hemos identificado, casi sin temor a equivocarnos, restos de aparatos tan sofisticados como una paellera eléctrica, o de objetos tan familiares como nuestra fregona, de la que nos hallamos tan orgullosos creyendo haberla inventado los españoles en el siglo XX, apuntó irónicamente Troyano. Unas tablillas encontradas en el Sahara nos han dado la clave del fin de esta cultura, que sobrevino después de años de impiedad y desvergüenza; tras varios avisos al respetable, Dios en persona desencadenó un cataclismo devastador: los análisis químicos revelan que, en una sola noche, cayeron sobre el continente billones y billones de litros de urea, con una alta concentración de cebada fermentada, provocando su hundimiento y la muerte de casi todos sus habitantes. Sólo unos pocos lograron sobrevivir, y nos dejaron escrita una advertencia: estaban seguros de que, la próxima vez, el desahogo divino sería más sólido.
Entre los aplausos y vítores de los periodistas congregados, el profesor Troyano aún pudo añadir: Así que ya lo saben: si el mundo sigue así, nuestro fin vendrá directamente de Arriba y será espeso y maloliente.
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