Manual de Historia del Arte Irreverenda

neandertal.jpgGalería de Grandes Artistas Malditos
Este mes: “El Hombre de Neanderthal que hizo La Venus de Monroe”

Iniciamos este serial sobre grandes artistas olvidados e ignotos con El Hombre de Neanderthal que hizo La Venus de Monroe, al que desde ahora llamaremos, para abreviar, El Hombre de Neanderthal que hizo La Venus Monroe.

venus.jpgvenus3.jpgLa Venus Monroe (pieza absolutamente desconocida hasta hoy, y que fue hallada en un zulo de una urbanización de Marbella por un audaz cartonero irreverendo, junto a un par de Mirós y un elefante disecado) es, sin duda, un descubrimiento llamado a revolucionar los conceptos y teorías preestablecidos sobre el arte prehistórico.

Basta comparar estas dos imágenes para comprender la magnitud del engaño en el que hemos vivido hasta hoy. Académicos, historiadores del arte y taxidermistas se han empeñado en presentarnos una imagen torticera, pacata e incompleta del hombre del neolítico: una especie de obseso enfermizo y baboso adicto a la abundancia de carnes, los vientres prominentes y fláccidos y las celulitis galopantes. Pero he aquí que nuestro artista rescatado del pozo del olvido, El Hombre de Neanderthal que hizo La Venus Monroe, demuestra de un plumazo que en el pasado no todos eran tan gilipollas. No, señores Historiadores del Arte Oficial: ¡en la protohistoria ya había hombres a los que les gustaba una tía buena!

No cabe duda de que El Hombre de Neanderthal que hizo La Venus Monroe, este artista maldito e ignorado, quiso realizar una obra nueva, arriesgada y rompedora. Pero su genial intuición artística le hizo conservar lo mejor de la tradición de las Venus de antaño, manteniendo aquellos rasgos que mejor podían conectar los anhelos y emociones de los hombres del pasado más remoto con los hombres del futuro más lejano: un buen culo y un par de tetas como dos carretas.

Causará cierta controversia entre los expertos el rostro de la Venus de Monroe. ¿Se inspiró El Hombre de Neanderthal que hizo La Venus Monroe en alguna vecina suya? ¿O fue acaso fruto de su imaginación desbocada? ¿Es anterior el mito de Marilyn Monroe a la propia Marilyn Monroe? Y, lo que es más importante, si se trataba de una modelo real ¿era rubia natural o era teñida?

Pero, como suele ocurrir con todos los genios verdaderos, El Hombre de Neanderthal que hizo La Venus Monroe fue un artista absolutamente incomprendido y denostado en su época. Datos irrefutables avalan esta afirmación: en el zulo donde apareció la Venus nuestros investigadores pudieron hallar, igualmente, el esqueleto del artista rodeado de un montón de piedras usadas para su lapidación, restos de tomates prehistóricos lanzados a su alrededor y varias pintadas primitivas que, en un lengujae tosco e indescifrable, lo llaman algo así como “maricón de la pradera” y “soplagaitas”. El análisis del ADN desvela asimismo innumerables muestras de escupitajos de macho adulto por todo el cráneo, y la prueba del Carbono-14 le ha descubierto, incluso, un par de querellas y varias multas de tráfico.

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