Bienvenido, Mr. Apocalipsis: Fines del mundo que pasaron de largo

Esto del fin del mundo lleva ya como cinco años de retraso, y a poco que se descuide se va a poner en los seis, en los siete y en los no se sabe cuántos.
Según la secta a la que pertenezca uno, el Apocalipsis es como el horizonte que nunca se alcanza. Lo esperas con toda tu ilusión reunido con los hermanos de fe, comprensiblemente felices por haber sido elegidos para salvaros mientras vuestros vecinos agonizan bajo lenguas de fuego, en especial el tipo ese del 4ºB que carraspea cuando te saluda, como si le dieses asco o algo.
Y el Apocalipsis, como un Mr. Marshall cualquiera, pasa de largo.
Y el tiempo, que no se para.
Y un día resulta que te detectas un bulto raro debajo de la axila, y lo siguiente que ocurre es que estás metido en un ataúd y si pudieras oír, oirías al vecino del 4ºB carraspear para decirle a tu viuda que la acompaña en el sentimiento.
¿Es eso justo? No, no lo es. Si lo único que querías era que toda la humanidad excepto tus correligionarios sucumbiera a plagas y horrores inimaginables. Tampoco era pedir tanto.
No obstante, hay consuelo de tontos. Lo que sigue es una galería de profetas y profecías que, como el tuyo propio, fallaron miserablemente a la hora de dar fecha al fin del mundo.
 

Profetas1.gif

Johannes von Klupzt fue un visionario austriaco del siglo XVIII que, durante un periodo de intensas fiebres, escribió una serie de cuartetas en las que profetizaba una pandemia catastrófica que acabaría con la especie humana. No se trataría de una enfermedad conocida entonces, sino de una dolencia insólita que impulsaría a los afectados a proferir continuamente una peculiar expresión, “vaserquenó”, contagiándose los unos a los otros para desesperación de los inmunes, cuya rabia cada vez mayor acabaría provocando la guerra de todos contra todos y la hecatombe subsiguiente. Esto, de acuerdo con Von Klupzt, ocurriría entre 1814 y 1836. Obviamente, falló. 

Profetas2.gif
A Piero Cartulino, campesino lombardo, se le apareció la Virgen en 1789 para revelarle que en breve Francia sufriría una conmoción que pronto se extendería al resto del mundo causando el Apocalipsis. Un burgués avispado venido de las colonias americanas de Inglaterra compraría la Bastilla para derribarla y construir en su lugar una taberna donde serviría bollitos sintéticos rellenos de carne de (supuesta) ternera acompañados de un pliego con patatas fritas en grasa maloliente. A pesar de la pésima calidad de su comida, una brillante labor promocional apoyada en la figura de un bufón siniestro empujaría a todos los hambrientos de París, con la bendición de María Antonieta, a gastar sus ínfimos ahorros en la taberna. En poco tiempo dicho modelo de taberna se propagaría por el globo provocando la muerte por trombosis coronaria de toda la humanidad. Salta a la vista que no ha sido así.
Profetas3.gifP’u Sung-Ching, funcionario chino nacido en 1804, recibió en su casa de los bosques la visita de una mariposa triste que, llorando amargamente, le hizo saber cuál sería el fin de los hombres. Exactamente 13 años después de su visita se harían populares una serie de canciones mortíferas que provocarían en quienes las oyesen una fulminante licuación de los sesos, que se derramarían por las orejas como el caño de agua pura de una fuente. La mariposa quiso decirle cuáles serían esas canciones, pero se guardó de cantarlas enteras para evitarle a P’u Sung-Ching su horrible efecto. De lo poco que le cantó, el funcionario anotó lo siguiente: “escansióndel almamía”, “quetetenga llenitalanevera” y otros galimatías incomprensibles.

Ilustraciones: Miguel Ángel Parra
 

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