Guía de circunstancias atenuantes para el psicópata diligente

Todo el mundo sabe que, según sentencia judicial firme, uno puede estar hasta cierto punto ofuscado cuando apuñala a otra persona si ésta ha aparecido un par de días antes con su ciberpareja en El diario de Patricia.

Pero hay otras circunstancias atenuantes menos conocidas. Desde Irreverendos entendemos que se deben difundir para información de todos aquellos ciudadanos de bien que de vez en cuando distraen los ratos de ocio jugando un poco con la motosierra. Son:

- Que la víctima ni le mire a uno cuando se la cruza en el portal, con la endeble excusa de ser ciega (Reducción de 6 meses de condena)
- Que la víctima luzca frondosa melena mientras uno se va quedando calvo, y encima por la coronilla, con lo espantoso que queda (Reducción de 15 meses de condena)
- Que la víctima admita ante un mínimo de tres personas que el arroz con pitracos le sale mejor a su madre que a uno, provocando una humillación de inenarrable crueldad (Reducción de 26 meses de condena)
- Que la víctima se haga la víctima y proteste con una carta al director del diario local tras recibir el primer machetazo en la nuca, sólo por el afán de figurar (Reducción de 30 meses de condena)
- Que la víctima, en susodicha carta, escriba: “Señor director, yo pienso de que lo fundamental es respetar a las personas y a los seres humanos” (Reducción de 36 meses de condena)
- Que la víctima pida ayuda a otra persona, cuando uno se basta y sobra sólo para descuartizarla competentemente (Reducción de 45 meses de condena)
- Que la víctima sobreviva, pero no porque le guste eso de vivir, sino sólo para hacerle quedar a uno en evidencia y demostrar que, en efecto, no se bastaba y sobraba sólo para descuartizarla competentemente (Reducción de 51 meses de condena)
- Que la víctima sobreviva y lo denuncie a uno (Cadena perpetua para la víctima, con opción a pena de muerte si se reinstaura; para el asesino, chalet en Torrevieja, un lote de productos típicos de la Alcarria y Medalla de Oro de las Bellas Artes)

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