los felices patológicos
El ataque del feliz patológico es directo y fulminante: en cuestión de minutos, cualquier individuo inocente y razonablemente depresivo puede ser exterminado por los cuidados homicidas de un optimista enloquecido.
Quien bien te quiere te hará morir
Sus técnicas son variadas, sibilinas y todas ellas mortales: administrarte una sobredosis de ansiolíticos (pondrán bajo tu cabeza una almohada con perfume de lavanda para que estés cómodo mientras te ahogas en tu propio vómito), unas cuantas enérgicas palmadas en la espalda para mostrarte su afecto (eso sí, al borde del andén del metro y justo cuando el tren entra en la estación), un entrañable abrazo de hermano (apretando con pectorales y bíceps en los puntos clave para asfixiarte de forma eficaz y discreta) o lo más devastador, un discurso insoportable sobre lo hermosa que es la vida cuando se sacan unas oposiciones y se tiene un puesto de trabajo PARA TODA LA VIDA (y lo dicen así, con mayúsculas).
La mueca de asco bajo la sonrisa
Hay autores que interpretan la psicopatología del feliz maligno como producto de la inseguridad: necesitan convertir a otros a su repugnante modo de vida para convencerse a sí mismos de lo acertado de su elección. Si se empeñan en que le compres un manojo de Gameboys a tus hijos no es porque quieran que los lobotomices como fin en sí mismo, sino porque así les resulta más sencillo creer que hicieron bien lobotomizando a los suyos propios.
Un diente, una lápida
Los estudios más recientes, no obstante, han demostrado que estas teorías pecaban de ingenuas. No hay duda existencial ni caries del alma tras esas sonrisas de tétrico resplandor. Tan sólo mal en estado puro. Mientras el individuo equilibrado sonríe para expresar alegría, ellos exhiben en el marfil impecable de su dentadura un modelo a escala del gélido cementerio, cada diente una lápida marmórea, en el que quieren sepultar a la humanidad entera. No hay compasión, tampoco piedad. Razonar con ellos es imposible, pues no funcionan más que con frases hechas: “Mi mujer está encantada con la secadora nueva”, “Yo pienso de que sin respeto no se va a ninguna parte”, “Por mis hijos soy capaz de cualquier cosa” y otras imprecaciones demasiado horribles como para transcribirlas aquí…
Uno de los monstruos
Sin estrategia terapéutica efectiva, sin la colaboración debida de los cuerpos de seguridad del Estado… ¿cómo puede uno protegerse de tan peligrosos especimenes? Siguiendo el viejo truco de “La invasión de los ultracuerpos”: haciéndose pasar por uno de ellos. Empieza por sonreír en todo momento. Una buena forma de entrenamiento consiste en intentar mantener la sonrisa mientras se aplica una plancha caliente a la cara. Después, emparéjate con un ejemplar de sus filas. Prepárate unas oposiciones. Cásate por la iglesia y compra un piso puerta con puerta con el de tus padres. Ten dos hijos y regálales muchas, muchas Gameboys, no se vayan a aburrir los pobrecitos. Y si por casualidad te cruzas por la calle con uno de esos jodidos insatisfechos, uno de aquellos como eras tú antes, aproxímate a él con tu mejor sonrisa. Acorrálalo contra una esquina, enséñale todos, todos tus dientes… y haz lo que te dicten tus instintos…
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